I'm a goer who hasn't gone yet. At one point, we, my husband and I's team, had a potential time frame to go. But God pushed it back. Tragedy came in a birth defect for a couple's baby. Celebrations burst through another couple's adoptions. Jobs changed. Some things stayed the same, but all circumstances moved our departure date further in sight.
During the transition, I find it hard to settle. Do I go ahead and settle here as we wait? Do I wait to settle for whenever we go? The pressure of collecting more dishes and clothes and furniture and gadgets and 401k's constantly squeezes into my thoughts. I will not live in this city for the majority of my life. I will, Lord willing, live in a foreign land--away from my comforts, my family, my stuff, and all of what's known. I will move to a place where the gospel is unknown and other gods are worshiped.
Where is my home? I do not know, for I am a goer who has yet to go.
Worldly pursuits around me cloud my view of what I'm supposed to do now. How do I not lose sight of the mission when we lost the sight of our specific plan? My brain may be cloudy and my heart divided, but my God is clear, unchanging, and good. If he is with me, I shall be content like the lonely who gains a friend but so much more satisfying than that (How can I compare it?). A home for the Holy Spirit resides in me. A home forever for me awaits in heaven. The truth lies in the fact that my true home is not here or there. My home there--in the foreign land--may be like a breath that inhales and exhales 23,000 times a day without me realizing it. And my home here--in this city--may be like a fraction of that breath. Because of my faith in Christ's work on the cross, my home permanently sits behind the narrow gate of Heaven.
By my ten year reunion, I fully expected to be married, have several kids, and be gone to the mission field. I am goer, but I am not going yet. The Holy Spirit goes where I go and stays in the not going. My church consists of hundreds of Holy Spirit "shelterers" like me, and I have the privilege to worship God with them in the waiting. I have the privilege to be a sender while being a goer who's waiting to go. I come to the conclusion that instead of nowhere being my temporary home, I can call anywhere my home as long as I have God with me. And I do. He will never leave me. He lives inside of me. I am his earthly temple--his home--as I wait to move from place to place. Ultimately, may my eyes be on my permanent, eternal home. In the midst of waiting, I pray to God to glorify him in the here now and the there soon--in my study of the Bible--in my sharing of the gospel--in my going and my sending. Wherever I am, he is with me, and in that, I take delight.
"Study the Bible like your life depends on it. Bc it does. Scatter proclaiming it like others' lives depend upon it. Bc they do." -David Platt, Secret Church 17