Recently I have the impression that some people think I'm cool or that I have a wealth of wisdom within me because I write. Someone even told me I was famous the other day. It may seem cool. Or that I'm cool. But let me tell you a few things.
I'm not super-godly. If anything, I'm super-sinful--and sin is not cool.
I do not write because of the things it brings like a ministry that's public or followers I do not know. I honestly don't like these things at all. It's a weighty responsibility and being "noticed" by others feels wrong.
Did I discern the Word of God correctly? Did I encourage them in love?
Do they like me because they think I'm someone else--a super-godly woman whom God has blessed in ministry? Or do they understand we are in the same fight together? Do they get that I'm just like them--a sinner?
Many of you know I've been working on a book proposal alongside a publisher for over a year now. Many of you know its theme of success and faith. Sure, it started out as an idea or a dream to write a book.Yes, there was pride in the beginning stages. But then I made my target audience more specific. I'm writing to perfectionists. I'm writing to people like me.
And it has wrecked me.
We perfectionists consume our thoughts with self to the point where we harm ourselves, miss the needs of others, and misinterpret God. We don't necessarily obsess over perfectly organized spaces as some perfectionists do. We do, however, all focus too much on ourselves. We fear failure. And sometimes it paralyzes us from moving forward. We punish ourselves or avoid others. We blame God or the person we have conflict with when things don't work out how we thought. It brings an abundance of problems--enough to write a book about.
In having to dig deep into this struggle--my life's struggle--and the sin that accompanies it, it brought out just how messed up I am and just how BIG and how ABUNDANT my sin is.
I've asked God how I could be responsible to speak on such things. I've wondered why he would choose to open opportunities for a vile sinner like me.
Who am I to give advice? Who am I to encourage in this?
This realization could stop me. Yet having to ask what hope I could give another, who deals with the burden of perfectionism, propels me forward because it's given me hope in this season of testing in which God sovereignly brought forth.
I'm not sure yet if I will write this book and see it in print one day, but I am sure of his calling for me to write. It's not merely to have a specific ministry. It's not merely a tool for learning. It's for my sanctification.
This isn't me trying to use Christian language or trying to justify my actions as a Christian writer, for now I am in the fire. And it's real. That's what sanctification is. It burns like fire, but it purifies, refines, and transforms us into the image of Jesus Christ.
It seems selfish to write for my own personal sanctification until I remember it's God's ultimate purpose for me. It's his means to glorify himself. For this reason, I will endure the fire. I will write--even though it causes me to face the ugliness deep within me--because it causes me to face the ugliness.
God wills your sanctification. And for this reason, too, I will write and endure the hard. Why? Because we are in this fight together. Remember that.
This is a fight towards perfection, only not one that brings worldly perfection but heavenly perfection. And we need each other as we pursue Christ. How could I give hope to a perfectionist who needs to kill their sin of selfishness? Because I'm in it with you, and I'm looking for hope in this journey towards sanctification, too.